It’s me or them; there’s no in between

Have you ever felt fueled by your absolute belief that you have the right answer/are doing things the right way? It feels as if no-one is listening to you, or doing things in the way you know will work! You find yourself frustrated, angry, full of a sense of injustice and irritation with others. And also full of energy and passion to be able to get on and do what you know will work, but you can’t, because others are not cooperating, or pulling their weight.

One way to deal with this situation is to hold on tight to your perspective and put a great deal of energy into saying the same things over and over again, whilst having numerous rants about how terrible everyone and everything is. Taking up the position of the misunderstood righteous person who can’t get anything done because no-one is recognising how right you are. I imagine most of us have felt this way at some point about something. What’s going on for us in these kinds of moments? Everyone’s situation will be different, but here’s one way of reflecting on it that might help.

One theory goes that deep down, something about the situation we’re in is leading us to feel anxious; we feel under threat in some way. This might not be something you’re aware of feeling on the surface. The way we defend ourselves against this perceived threat is to stop seeing or acknowledging any messiness or ambiguity in a situation, and split things into good and bad. If things are either all good or all bad, we would much rather see ourselves as the all good in the situation. Therefore, everything else - the people, the ways they’re thinking and working, the organisation - must be all bad. To keep our fear and anxiety at bay, we need to stick with this viewpoint, as we also fear that the only thing that will come from questioning this situation will be a realisation that we are the ‘all bad’.

Holding tightly onto this position can have lots of consequences, which will of course be unique to your situation, but might include:

●       Feeling increasingly stressed and exhausted at the effort

●       Feeling disdainful and dismissive of everyone around you

●       Feeling victimised and hard done by

●       feeling you alone are responsible for the success or failure of something

●       Finding yourself sidelined

●       Finding people go quiet around you in meetings, don’t respond to the things you say

●       Noticing that people agree with you, but then you discover they’ve done something that’s opposes your viewpoint

●       If you’re in a position of power, people do what you ask but become increasingly reluctant to share differing points of view with you

You have a choice; to carry on thinking and behaving in the way you have been, or to start to question your own perspective of the situation to see if a different approach might get you to a better place. It’s all very well to know this on an intellectual level, but what can you do about it if you are in the grip of these feelings?

Take a breath and see how you’re feeling physically

Take a long breath in and then out; what’s going on in your body? Do you notice any tension anywhere (e.g. jaw, back, shoulders, legs)? Is anxiety present in your body at all - we all feel this in different ways, for some it’s a swirling stomach, for others it’s a tight chest.

These feelings are a useful signifier that we are finding something that’s going on tricky in some way. You can use these feelings as a cue to pause and explore the situation. Ask yourself - do I want to explore what’s going on, or do I want to hang on to my viewpoint?

Recognising your own patterns and preferences

Are these feelings and experiences familiar? Can you think back to when this has happened before; what was going on? Are there things that set you off on this kind of path?

You may, for example, find working with people who don’t keep to deadlines infuriating, as you pride yourself on getting things done on time. What happens when those around you don’t think this is very important?

On the other hand, you might take pride in your ability to do lots of things, and get things done quickly. What’s it like when people seem to be taking forever to make decisions, or don’t want to work on multiple things at once?

We all have preferred ways of working, and we’ve often been successful because of these abilities. The downside can come when we find ourselves in situations where our approach isn’t necessarily valued, or those with power in the situation don’t see our approach as being needed at the moment.

You may hold particular values dear, and these feel under threat, for example you may feel you or others are being treated unfairly, and fairness is very important to you.

Expanding your perspective beyond your own

Can you acknowledge that you see the situation in one way, and be curious about how someone else is finding it?

●       Is there someone who you trust and respect who you can talk to, and ask them for their perspective of the situation?

●       Can you suspend your own view long enough to listen to theirs, without countering their view with your own?

Sometimes making a connection to someone else is enough to take you out of a fearful place, and can help bring you back to being able to see and work with the reality of a situation.

Connecting back to reality - and humanity

In doing some of these things, the aim is to let go of that sense of all good or all bad, and come back to living in a reality where things - and people, including ourselves - are a mixture of good and bad, and everything in between. There are no angels and demons, only human beings.

After all this, you may still discover that there is something going on that is unacceptable to you, perhaps ethically, politically, or in how power is being used between people. Whatever conclusions you reach, you will now have a clearer sense of the issues, and will be better able to make a deliberate choice about what to do next, rather than being driven by your inner fears and anxiety.

What I’m realising is that perhaps there is a question we often need to ask ourselves; do I trust my intuition and go with my viewpoint, or is there something going on that is leading me to defend myself in an unhelpful way?

If it feels too difficult to let go of your position, to loosen your grip even just a little, it’s worth exploring what this might be about for you, which is something you can do with a coach. Consider reaching out to our expert coaches by signing up for our LeaderLine services - Let's get started | TheActivationProject